I’ll be doing an introductory post for myself later on, but I had a conversation lately that set me in the bloggin’ mood.
Last night I was deep in conversation with friends (including a couple fellow gadflies) about asexuality inspired by this post by figleaf. One of those present was a friend to whom I shall refer as Lucy (name changed to protect the ignorant) who expressed some confusion over what precisely asexuality is. She seemed to be confusing celibacy and asexuality, that is, a lack of having sex with the lack of desire to have sex.
In the course of clumsily attempting to explain the difference to her the question of why she chooses to remain celibate was raised.
Her answer surprised all of us there and, speaking from my own perspective, was appalling.
She told us that (regarding her virginity) she would not “give it [to a prospective partner]” until she had the potential to “get half of his shit”. She then proceeded to give us a bullshit pseudopsychological causal analysis of income gaps in marriage and likelihood of a man (and she did specify a man) cheating. She seemed to be implying that she had no desire for sex, and the only reason that she would be having it would be to get something out of it.
The idea of getting something out of having sex is not one with which I disagree, pleasure can be derived from it quite efficiently. The problem that I had was her apparent moneygrubbing approach to sexuality. Her view of sex seems to be fundamentally transactional. This view is one which I, and many others, believe contributes to a rape culture.
It is possible that I am being a bit harsh in my analysis of her statements. However, I find it difficult to let these small things go, because they build on each other.
Not more importantly, but perhaps more relevantly with respect to the stated purpose of this blog, her comments betrayed a fairly firm belief in the false dichotomy between men as the sex class and women as the no-sex class, the idea that figleaf was speaking out against in the post that sparked our discussion. She seemed to be saying that she will only be able to trust a man to not go out and have sex indiscriminately unless she had some sort of collateral, because men want sex all the time.
It may not be fair of me to put my own personal feelings into this, but I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who had so little trust in me.